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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

In a sign of shifting values, members of India’s LGBTQ community are petitioning for the Supreme Court to
legally recognise same-sex marriages
India struck down a colonial-era ban on homosexuality in 2018 but the socially conservative country of 1.4
billion has to be more accepting

Sonia Sarkar

Archee Roy, 34, a queer Dalit artist in the eastern Indian city of Kolkata, has been in a committed same-sex relationship for over four years. However, she cannot list her partner officially as family in office and bank records even if they were to marry, as India does not legally recognise same-sex marriages.

“India provides a space for heterosexual couples to marry but that space and right is denied to us completely,” said Roy, who belongs to the so-called low caste Dalit community. “Queer people also deserve the right to marry, like any other citizen of India.”


This may soon change, after India’s Supreme Court on Monday referred 19 petitions to a five-judge constitution bench for consideration, with the final arguments scheduled for April 18.

In a sign of shifting values and a challenge to Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s government that has opposed gay marriage, members of India’s LGBTQ community are petitioning for the nation’s Supreme Court to legally recognise same-sex marriages.


The petitions come four years after the same court struck down a colonial-era ban on homosexuality. Many same-sex couples in India solemnised their marriages after the South Asia nation decriminalised homosexuality in 2018 but their marriages remain legally unrecognised.


This means that they are not entitled to rights to own and inherit property together or apply for joint bank loans. They also do not get benefits that heterosexual spouses are entitled to from their spouses’ workplace, such as pensions, bereavement leave and compassionate leave.

“The common thread among all the prayers of different petitioners before the Supreme Court is that same sex couples come within the legal framework entitling them to the benefits as well as protection that married heterosexual couples enjoy,” said Aparna Mehrotra, litigation associate at Bangalore-based non-profit Centre for Law and Policy Research, who is representing three transgender petitioners

Mumbai-based rights activist Harish Iyer appealed before the Supreme Court earlier in March to strike down provisions of this law that interfere with an individual’s constitutional rights to be treated equally, and to extend the law to marriages regardless of the gender, sexual orientation, and sexual identity of the couple. “The privilege to get married is a fundamental aspect of the right to life, freedom of speech, and privacy, as recognised under the Indian Constitution,” Iyer said.

Hyderabad-based Jojo, who prefers to use his first name, runs Queer Nilayam, a support group for LGBTQ people. The 39-year-old said marriage is significant for many same-sex couples who are in committed relationships, to avail themselves of their basic rights and benefits. India also legally recognises marriage of transgender people who hold a certificate documenting the gender
change, but the procedure for obtaining these certificates is onerous and officials often insist on medical proof of gender affirmation procedures, which can be prohibitively expensive.


Akkai Padmashali, the first transwoman whose marriage was legally recognised in India in 2018, submitted a
petition in the Supreme Court in January urging the court to define “spouse” as gender-neutral within the
Special Marriage Act. This would allow transgender people who have not yet obtained certificates or
undergone surgery to be legally wed.


As of now, transgender couples, whose marriages are registered, can be parents legally but for same-sex couples, only one partner has the legal right to adopt or be a legal parent.

In a filing to the Supreme Court this month, Modi’s administration said it opposes recognising same-sex marriages and urged the court to reject challenges to the current legal framework brought forth by LGBT couples.


The government also said in the filing that marriage is accepted “statutorily, religiously and socially” only between a biological man and a biological woman, and that the Indian family consists of these two people and the children born out of their union.


But sociologist Shiv Visvanathan argued that there is no “ideal model” of family as the concept changes according to time, ecology, demography and livelihood.


Visvanathan added that the government is including religion because it considers itself to be the “repository
of a monolithic truth and it wants to establish that certain things are not permissible”.


Mumbai-based non-binary lesbian Naaz, who prefers to use only their first name, said the Indian government remains “ill-informed” and “irrelevant” in current times when gender narratives have changed globally. Naaz said many queer people consider the larger LGBTQ+ community as “family” because they provide “safety” and “unconditional love”, unlike their biological families who have not accepted them as they are.

By opposing same-sex marriages, the Indian government is trying to promote the dowry system, marital rape and domestic violence that are “part and parcel” of the Indian family unit, said Hyderabad-based S Deepti, 39, who was in an abusive marriage with a heterosexual man for 12 years and entered into a same-sex relationship later.


“The government should try to eliminate the flaws in opposite-sex marriages before opposing same-sex marriages,” she said.


But litigation associate Mehrotra said the legal recognition of same-sex marriage would be insufficient, and that new definitions of “spouse” would be required in existing laws around succession, adoption and divorce.

Beyond laws, family set-ups, workplaces, and social spaces, which are still largely patriarchal, have to be more accepting, Roy said

Published in South China Morning Post, March 18, 2023:https://www.scmp.com/week-asia/lifestyle-culture/article/3213988/indias-lgbtq-community-urges-supreme-court-recognise-fundamental-same-sex-marriage-rights

For years, Japan has been home to the world’s oldest population, its aging workforce threatening its economic and technological might. Now, the city-state of Singapore is rapidly emerging as the next nation-sized retirement home — and it’s bracing for the attendant challenges. Its life expectancies — 81.5 years and 86.1 years for men and women, respectively — are among the highest in the world and, coupled with decreasing birth rates, have left Singapore with a rapidly aging population. Yet, not everyone is complaining. From businesses tapping into a fast-growing silver economy to government efforts to keep the country’s labor force intact, today’s Daily Dose explores Singapore’s race against time.

 with reporting by Sonia Sarkar from Singapore 

Credit: Sonia Sarkar

Banking on loneliness

Booming ‘silver economy’

Nearly a third of people in Singapore between the ages of 60 and 69, and more than 40% of those above 80, described themselves as “lonely” in a 2016-17 study. But if you ask businesses operating in the country, all these seniors need is… to shop. According to a 2020 report by the consultancy Aging Asia, Singapore’s silver economy will be worth US$72.4 billion by 2025.

The ‘silver lining’

Singapore’s Finance Minister Lawrence Wong last year declared that “it is on us to find the silver lining” to an aging population. That silver lining already exists, according to Carol Ma, who heads the gerontology programs at the Singapore University of Social Sciences. The nation’s “aging population is a rapidly growing consumer group which is creating opportunities for business development,” she said. From tailored healthcare services and food products to retirement homes and residential care to the elderly, firms are already exploring a market that grew by 80% in the past decade. And their innovations may surprise you.

Hi-tech touch

Credit: Sonia Sarkar

Hi-tech touch

Greying smartly in a ‘smart’ nation

Both the Singapore government and the private sector are increasingly turning to artificial intelligence to help the elderly — a part of the nation’s “smart city” approach. SHINESeniors, a government project, monitors the physical environment — temperature, noise and daily living patterns — of senior citizens residing in public housing. In 2015, the Singapore government partnered with a publicly funded college to develop the Robocoach, a robot exercise instructor for the elderly. Singapore-based artificial-intelligence company Longway AI plans to develop a solution to predict and prevent falls at some senior-care centers. And AI-enabled app CARES4WOUNDS, launched by health startup Tetsuyu Healthcare, measures, analyzes and monitors the condition of a wound based on an image. It’s targeted at elderly diabetics with foot ulcers, who may face the risk of limb amputation if their wounds are not properly managed.

The young(er) help the old

But not all senior citizens are tech-savvy. According to a 2019 survey by the Infocomm Media Development Authority, 58% of Singaporeans over the age of 60 were internet users compared to 89% of the overall population. Recent research suggests some senior citizens are frustrated with new technologies and doubt their ability to learn and adapt. The solution could lie in getting relatively younger senior citizens to teach older ones how to use technology, said Ma.

Touch or technology?

But the dilemma for Singapore — and other societies dealing with aging populations — is deeper. “Technology cannot fully replace the high-touch of the caregiver,” acknowledges Reuben Khoo, CEO of home care and support company Home Instead Singapore, an independently owned franchise of Nebraska-based Home Instead Inc. But, he insisted, “there is a need to encourage more technological innovation to enable caregivers to be more effective and efficient.” He’s an advocate for improving caregiver capacity by marrying “hi-tech with high-touch,” such as when an in-person caregiver helps a patient connect with their doctor through a digital portal.

Credit: Sonia Sarkar

Where have all the caregivers gone?

Not a wanted profession

A recent study conducted by Home Instead and the Global Coalition on Aging, a social enterprise on aging policy and strategy, found that caregiving as a profession is undervalued by Singaporeans, even as the demand for a trained workforce in the sector is expected to grow by more than 130% over the next decade. “The public perception about caregiving as a profession needs to change. There should be better career prospects including employee welfare benefits for caregivers, and also opportunity for national accreditation,” Khoo said. Professional caregiving, he added, ought to be recognized as “critical.”

Aging at home

According to an independent study conducted by Lien Foundation, seniors surveyed in Singapore preferred to age in place — findings corroborated by the country’s Housing & Development Board. “Businesses should focus on building their capacity to assist seniors at home so that they can age in place with dignity,” Khoo said. “Plus, we will need to consider the financial model that will provide sustainability for long-term care at home,” he said, whether that’s insurance or government subvention. Khoo noted that seniors who stay socially engaged enjoy better health, happiness and an improved quality of life over their solitary counterparts.

Is co-living the answer?

If staying social helps the elderly live better, FARM, a multi-disciplinary architecture firm, might have a solution. It is designing senior nursing homes that will have more common areas where residents can interact — whether corridors or gardens — than traditional assisted-living facilities do. The project is targeted at a younger segment of senior citizens who are open to the concept of co-living. Khoo’s Home Instead provides “companion services” to the elderly, in addition to specialized nursing care.

Credit: Sonia Sarkar


The next generation

Who’s going to hold their hands?

In 2021, Singapore had one of the lowest fertility rates in the world, at 1.15 children per woman; the replacement rate is about 2.1. According to Ma, the government must focus on strengthening intergenerational communication and transfer of knowledge between school children and senior citizens. “We can train the school kids, who can visit the elderly at their homes regularly to build relationships,” she said. “Because of the low fertility rate, there will be a lot of opportunities for the younger generation to connect with the older generation.” In 2017, Singapore launched its first intergenerational playground and infant and childcare center within a nursing home, where the children and the elderly can interact, sing and paint together.

Looming economic crisis

Singapore’s low fertility rate has spawned concern for one of Asia’s strongest economies. For one thing, where is its future workforce? And there’s a second worry for this Southeast Asian nation. A 2019 survey found that most Singaporeans were financially unprepared for retirement, and many are seeking part-time work in retirement, such as with food delivery apps or at food courts. In 2021, the labor-force participation rate of Singapore residents aged 65 years and above was at 32.9%. Centre for Seniors, a nonprofit, runs a website where it posts jobs and training opportunities for retired Singaporeans.

Singapore’s solution? More work

This month, Singapore is raising the legal retirement age from 62 to 63, and then to 65 by 2030, when re-employment within the same job function after formal retirement will also be allowed up to the age of 70. Additionally, the Singapore government pays employers who are willing to raise their retirement age. The idea of this is to ensure jobs for the elderly who need them, and a skilled, experienced labor force for companies. “People who work after retirement are not a burden on the government,” Ma said. “They contribute to the economy. More opportunities should be created for them. Also, when people retire, they should rewire to do something that they can still maintain their quality of life.”


Community Corner

Do you feel the world is becoming a lonelier place despite technology/social media and being more crowded? What ideas do you have to combat loneliness?

Share your thoughts with us at OzyCommunity@Ozy.com.

This Newsletter was published in Ozy.com –https://www.ozy.com/pg/newsletter/the-daily-dose/449373/?fbclid=IwAR0Txaw28m6gJAqr1yZ7UVsRSx0QFHv0VqHCj7aZnEac5QHg0O_Mltwp2pM

Date: 2 July, 2022

Overturning of the law has triggered a sense of ‘strong fear’ among women that India can also backtrack on its abortion law that was established in 1971

Despite having legalised abortion services, a UN funded report found about 67 per cent of abortions in India are unsafe

Topic |  India

Sonia Sarkar

Last year, Delhi-based homemaker Suchitra, who prefers to be identified only by her first name, went to a nearby clinic for an abortion. But the legal procedure was denied by the doctor, who insisted the abortion pills had to be prescribed in front of her husband – who was not in town.

Only after Suchitra’s husband, who was touring abroad for work, spoke to the doctor on a video call, did she authorise the pills.

“Despite abortion being legalised in India, a woman’s right and agency over her body have never been prioritised,” said 35-year-old Suchitra.

After the US Supreme Court overturned the 1973 Roe v Wade verdict and took away a women’s constitutional right to abortion, many women in India, including Suchitra, fear this may have a “ripple effect” on Indian abortion services, which were legalised by the Medical Termination Of Pregnancy (MTP) Act in 1971.

On social media, when a section of people called India far more “progressive” than the US for allowing women to seek abortion, many women revealed the process was unfriendly and painful. Women said some doctors often label abortion seekers as “immoral”. Every year, hundreds of women are forced to seek special permission from the courts when they are denied services by the doctors.

Unlike America’s Roe v Wade verdict that protected a pregnant woman’s right to abortion calling it a fundamental “right to privacy”, India, which records one of the highest number of female feticides in the world, never looked at its abortion law with the perspective of a woman’s right.

As per the law, women can only go to a healthcare centre seeking the service of a doctor, who will eventually decide if she can have the medical procedure. All women mandatorily need the approval of one doctor if they want to terminate pregnancy up to 20 weeks.

But women, who are either survivors of sexual assault, rape or incest, mentally ill, physically challenged or whose marital status changed during pregnancy, can terminate pregnancy up to 24 weeks with the approval of two doctors. In cases of fetal anomalies, the pregnancy could be terminated only after an approval of a medical board comprising of at least three specialists.

“Although abortion is legalised in India, it’s the discretion of the doctor to decide if a woman’s pregnancy can be terminated,” Souvik Pyne, manager of Delhi-based non-profit The YP Foundation’s programme titled Safe Abortion For Everyone said.

Lawyer Jasmine George, the founder of Bangalore-based non-profit Hidden Pockets Collective, which raises awareness among women about their sexual and reproductive health and rights believes India may not change its abortion law following the latest US verdict because the law was conceptualised through the lens of population control.

George also said the verdict triggers a sense of “strong fear” among women that India can also backtrack on its abortion law if a progressive country like the US can do it.

This fear is generated out of the current situation in India, which is witnessing the “dissolution of human rights” in many aspects, George said.

“Plus, the larger traditional mindset of Indians is never in favour of abortion,” George added.

Abortion rights activists underlined that with motherhood being traditionally glorified and awareness about sexual and reproductive health rights and safe sex never been prioritised in “patriarchal” India, abortion is largely considered a “sin.”

Helping ease the stigma of abortion is the Papaya Parade, which is a public archive of anonymous abortion stories. It was the brainchild of Subarna Ghosh, who runs a Mumbai-based non-profit, ReRight Foundation, who said that women just wanted abortion to be “easier”.

Established two years ago, Papaya Parade uses the papaya fruit as a prop to understand the reproductive system of women through art and storytelling. A 20-year-old college student narrated that when she wanted to abort her fetus at the age of 18, doctors wanted either her boyfriend or a family member to be present before they prescribed her the pill. Another 22-year-old unmarried woman described how her doctor first insisted for surgical abortion, and when she demanded only pills, the doctor sold them at a rate higher than the market price.

In a 2021-2022 report titled Assessing youth-friendliness of abortion services, The YP Foundation stated of the 54 public and private facilities surveyed across 10 states, privacy was maintained in only in half. Service providers in nearly two-thirds of facilities insisted that women must disclose their marital status while half asked for parental or spousal consent. Questions which should not be asked under the abortion law.

For women, who come from the lowest rungs of society, the battle is tougher.

The YP Foundation conducted another study in 2021 among two sets of marginalised communities – fisherfolk in Kerala and tea garden workers in Assam. The investigation found many husbands, mothers, and mothers-in-law prevented young women from using contraceptives, yet the women were made to face the brunt of unplanned pregnancies, which were mostly the cause of non-consensual sex with their husbands.

Deepa Pawar, founder of non-profit Anubhuti Trust, which spreads awareness on body dignity and literacy among women and youth of oppressed-caste, tribal and migrant communities, said that it’s extremely difficult for these women to “communicate” with abortion service providers.

At government-run healthcare facilities, Pawar said, these women, mostly uneducated, were bombarded with insulting questions pertaining to why they failed to use protection, or if the child was illegitimate, which acted as a deterrent for them to access services there.

Pawar fears the US verdict is likely to make the patriarchal forces more “aggressive” in their anti-women narrative on abortion. She believes more misinformation such as adult women needing the consent of their husband or partner or legal guardians for abortion, despite no such provision being mentioned in the law, will spread to ensure abortion services are denied to women from marginalised groups.

Pawar said a lot of these women take out loans to access abortion services at private clinics, which are mostly unregulated and overpriced, to escape the humiliation and harassment at government hospitals.

“Many resort to unsafe practices such as consuming pills prescribed by quacks or abdominal massage by traditional healers,” Pawar said.

A United Nations Population Fund’s State of the World Population Report 2022 stated that about 67 per cent of abortions in India are unsafe.

The YP Foundation’s Pyne said abortion for minors is another issue because provisions under the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences (POCSO) Act categorises all sexual activities by minors – persons under 18 – as a criminal offence, deeming them non-consensual.

“This deters those having consensual sex to seek safe and legal abortion services,” Pyne said. “Plus, POSCO makes it mandatory for the service provider to report any knowledge of sexual activity by minors to the police which is in direct conflict with the abortion law mandate that ensures confidentiality of the abortion seeker.”

Published in South China Morning Post on 2 July, 2022:

Link: https://www.scmp.com/week-asia/article/3183879/roe-v-wade-india-women-fear-ripple-effect-after-us-abortion-law-struck

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The Netflix series, Indian Matchmaking, which has provoked a global conversation over the “ills” of the matchmaking process in India has left many matchmakers baffled. Calling the eight-part series “one-sided,” “sensational,” and “judgemental,” the players in the industry said, it was “tailor-made” for the “non-Indian global audience”. Perhaps, this section of audience still see India as a land of snake charmers.

“People in the West are talking about it because the series fits well with the negative perceptions that they have about India without realising that India is as urban as they are,” 49-year-old Bangalore-based Shalini Singh, founder of mobile-friendly matchmaking service, andwemet.com, said. “This show further labels India as regressive and backward.”

Sima Taparia, the protagonist in the series is a matchmaker, who introduces potential brides and grooms to each other. Matchmakers such as Taparia, who charge somewhere between US$1330 to US$6600 (1 lakh to 5 lakh Indian rupees), play a significant role in the decision-making process in Indian arranged marriages. People also refer to matrimonial ads in newspapers and create profiles in matrimonial sites but screening newspaper ads is time consuming and matrimonial sites are often flooded with fake profiles. Matchmakers take away the burden of the screening process, and with them being around, the “intent” of the clients is usually marriage, and not “just dating for fun.”

But Indian matchmakers said, Taparia, who was seen shuffling between India and the US to find “good match” for her affluent clients — Indian and people of Indian origin — promoted stereotypes and she failed to highlight the changes that have taken place in the society in recent years.

High on “drama,” the series on Netflix, the global streaming giant with 193 million subscribers, kicked off with an episode titled “Slim, Trim and Educated.”

“It promoted a false perception that if you are educated, fair and good looking, you won’t have a problem in finding the match,” said 32-year-old Bangalore- based Meet Kanodia, co-founder of online matchmaking platform, Go-Gaga-App.com, who noticed a surge in new signups on his App after the series released on July 16.

In the past 10 days, Mumbai-based matchmaker Priya Shah, 46, who caters only to upper-caste Hindu industrialists and top professionals settled in India and abroad, said, she received over 200 calls on matchmaking. But Shah believed, the series was “scripted” with “biases against India” in mind. “These days, men often reject fair and beautiful women because they look for someone who can match their wavelength,” said Shah.

A 2018 paper published by Sage Journal, however, highlighted “fair skin and slimness” was linked to finding a suitable life partner for women.

Another Mumbai-based matchmaker added, she doesn’t take clients from the “lower caste even if they are rich” because “nobody wants to marry them.”

Some matchmakers admitted, the biases that the Netflix series showed do exist within a “certain section” of the society but it gave the wrong impression to the world that Indians marry “solely” on the basis of the colour of the skin, height, caste and economic status.

 “We never ask for skin colour or caste or religion when people sign up,” said Singh.

Tania Malhotra Sondhi, 38, Delhi-based co-founder of personalised offline matrimonial service, MatchMe, who doesn’t register people wanting marriages exclusively within their own caste and cultural community, said, “In India, we have both orthodox and liberal people, the show focused on the former.”

Now, many urban Indians look for only “mutual trust, respect and acceptance,” even in arranged marriages, matchmakers said.

A 2013 survey conducted by market research agency, IPSOS, 74 per cent Indians prefer arranged marriages.

Thousands of matchmakers work locally besides those running their businesses outside of India but matchmaking is still an unorganised sector. “There are also instances of unfair trade practices and breach of trust by matchmakers,” said Sahil Ahuja of event management company, Touchwood Group, which recently launched a matchmaking portal for the elite, hnishaadi.com.

Matchmakers found some practices by Taparia problematic as well.

“I never encourage my clients to go to astrologers or face-readers,” said Shah, stressing she never peeps into clients’ bedrooms or peer into their wardrobes like Taparia did, either.

Kanodia added, Taparia was “monetising people’s emotions” by referring clients to relationship coaches and palm readers.

But Toronto-based Indian student, Meghan Nagpal, 28, said, some still think these orthodox practices make a “good” start. “After my mother signed me up on a matrimonial site, I received calls from mothers of a few prospective grooms asking for my horoscope even before I could ask names of their sons,” said Nagpal, one of the 1700-odd signatories to a June petition urging a matrimonial site to remove its skin colour filter from photos of subscribers.

Indian Matchmaking has certainly ignited a conversation in public forums among Indians, especially women, on their “horrific” experiences of matchmaking. On Twitter, Nikita Doval, a journalist, wrote, matchmaking “reduces women to cattle, where you are repeatedly subject to humiliation and insult.” A Facebook user said, she too had met elite men like Pradhyuman Maloo of the reality series, who want their would-be wife to be “mentally and physically” attractive and “compatible” with the family.

In the series, Taparia stressed, marriages in India happen between “two families” and “parents’ guide their children.”

But Sondhi said, she doesn’t allow the parents to come on board unless the boy and the girl want it. At MatchMe, Sondhi “looks for compatibility among two like-minded educated and progressive people” who would get married only because they want to get married, and not because of parental pressure.

Singh raised objections to the word, “sanskaari (cultured)” used by Taparia multiple times while referring to families of the potential grooms. “What has been propagated as ‘cultured’ in the series such as such as getting married as per skin colour or marrying as per parents’ choice is social conditioning and cannot be called Indian culture,” Singh said.

Taparia’s biases against female candidates that were reflected through her advice to “compromise” and “adjust” hasn’t gone down too well with the matchmakers too.

 “Also, for Maloo, a prospective groom, Taparia used phrases such as ‘good-looking’ and ‘doing well for himself,’ and offered him a relationship coach for help but she repeatedly said, it’s ‘difficult’ to find a match for the independent minded, Aparna Shewakramani, a lawyer. She also said, Indians are scared of daughters-in-law who are lawyers. The show promoted the biases of the society against strong and independent women instead of challenging them,” Kanodia said.

He added, Taparia was trying to “sell” what she has in her shop without really caring for people’s emotions, which matchmakers shouldn’t do.

People will become “cautious and skeptical” of professional matchmaking after watching the series, Kanodia said. “It won’t be easy to find matches.”

But if “marriages are made in heaven,” what’s the hurry?

 

[This is the unedited version of the story that I did for South China Morning Post. The edited version was published with a lot of inputs from Bloomberg here :https://www.scmp.com/week-asia/lifestyle-culture/article/3094997/new-netflix-hit-indian-matchmaking-isnt-hit-indian?fbclid=IwAR3Z4TohzEXfNO3eTy5FtbSWI5VTGStPjoGDrWfmaEmKTvfxIwp0QQgu0c8 –July 28, 2020]

 Filmmaker Kalpana Lajmi, Bhupen Hazarika’s partner of 39 years, talks to Sonia Sarkar about her passionate relationship with the legendary singer, his commitment to his work and his liking for Bengali cuisine

There is a chill in the Guwahati air — as if underlining the climate of bereavement and sorrow. At almost every crossing, huge hoardings pour out condolence messages. We feel your absence, says one. We pay homage to you, says another.

Three weeks after the death of Bhupen Hazarika, the city is still in mourning. As the driver of my car puts it, “Every leaf of every tree here has been grieving his loss.”

But as I enter a three-storey house — called Nirjarapar, or stream on its side — in east Guwahati’s Chandmari, the mood is different. There is a sense of calm and peace in the house. Filmmaker Kalpana Lajmi — Hazarika’s partner for 39 years — is not red eyed any more. But then, as she says, the fact that he is no more is still to sink in. “I have been attending to streams of people since his cremation. I haven’t got the time to mourn,” says Lajmi, 57.

 

However, a month before the death of the Dadasaheb Phalke award and Padma Bhushan winner, she realised he was slipping away. “I used to cry inconsolably then. Perhaps, I was preparing myself for this day.”

Singer and composer Hazarika died in a Mumbai hospital after respiratory and kidney failure. His body was cremated in Guwahati. There was a public outpouring of grief as hundreds of thousands of people turned up to pay their last respects to Assam’s best known cultural icon.

For Lajmi, however, the grief was intensely private. “It was terrible to see him turn into ashes. But I had promised to be with him till the end,” says Lajmi.

She had pledged to be with him way back in 1971. She was 17 and studying psychology at Mumbai’s St Xavier’s College, and he was 45 and already an established singer and composer. They first met when he was scoring the music for Aarop, a film directed by Lajmi’s uncle, Atma Ram. “I was awed by his charisma,” she recalls.

She was introduced to his music with the song He Dola, which portrayed the life of palanquin bearers. “Being a teenager with an artistic bent of mind, I was bowled over by his creative genius. He was a rebel, a maverick, a humanist — and also an indisciplined and disorganised person,” says Lajmi with a smile.

Five years into the relationship, she decided to move in with him to his Golf Club Road flat in Calcutta. “My father thought that the attraction would not last for long. My mother is still not able to accept the relationship,” she says.

But she went ahead — to become not just his companion but also his manager. “He was an alcoholic then and spent all his money unwisely. So I had to convince him to put things in order.”

But Lajmi, then in her early 20s, soon realised it was going to be an “uphill” task. “The initial days were tumultuous. Though he was much ahead of his time when it came to work, he also had a conservative mindset. It was difficult for him to accept a woman managing his work.” Lajmi points out that she — the daughter of artist Lalita Lajmi and niece of filmmaker Guru Dutt — came from a “progressive-minded” family. “Such prejudices did not exist in my family,” she says.

“Earlier, in most social gatherings, he introduced me as his manager,” she remembers. “From the mid-1980s, he started calling me his partner,” says Lajmi, who directed her first Hindi feature film Ek Pal in 1986. Hazarika composed and sang for the film.

But why did they not get married? He had, after all, separated from his wife Priyamvada Patel almost 20 years before Hazarika met Lajmi. Patel lives in Canada, while their son Tej, who was present at his funeral, is in the US.

“He was horrified by the idea of marriage. I also gradually realised that he would never have made a good husband for anyone,” she says.

Two years ago, though, he did propose marriage, but Lajmi turned him down. “Perhaps he was insecure that I would leave him because he was ailing. For me, marriage made no sense then. But you know it is impossible to understand the mind of a man,” says Lajmi, and then advises me — perhaps only half in jest — to remain single.

The two didn’t consider having children either. “I love children but bringing up children outside marriage is difficult in India.”

But right now, Lajmi is fighting a battle with Hazarika’s son over the Bhupen Hazarika Cultural Trust, set up by Hazarika in 2000. “The trustees are more interested in holding on to his estates rather than preserving his legacy,” Tej said at a press conference — angering Lajmi, who called his comments “wild, blasphemous and irresponsible”.

Tej, she counters, did not keep in touch with his father when he was alive. “Why didn’t he try to know about Bhupenda’s work and the trust all these years,” asks Lajmi, who is now the chairperson and secretary of the trust after Hazarika.

“This is an insult to each and every eminent member of the trust. But I also feel that it is a label against me personally because Tej presumes his father has bequeathed everything to me, even before the will has been read,” she says.

The will’s not out, but what she has certainly inherited from him is the will to carry on. “He was very proud of me and my work. He always encouraged me,” she says, running her fingers through her short hair. The sparkle of her gold and diamond rings catches my attention. I ask her if any of these were gifts from Hazarika. “He paid for a couple of them but never chose them for me,” she laughs.

Hazarika’s career started when he was barely 10. Legend has it that he was spotted by Assam’s leading cultural lights — Jyotiprasad Agarwala and Bishnuprasad Rabha — when he was singing a devotional song. As a 12-year-old, he sang two songs in Agarwala’s film Indramalati. He wrote his first song Agnijugor firingoti moi at 13. Later, he produced, directed, composed and sang for several Assamese language films, including Era Bator SurShakuntala and Pratidhwani.

A leading member of the Indian People’s Theatre Association (IPTA), a Left cultural group that was a part of the freedom movement, Hazarika was known for his rich baritone voice as well his lyrics, which touched on themes ranging from romance to social and political issues.

Though a child of Assam, Hazarika was in many ways a national and global citizen. Bengal — where his Ganga tumi is an anthem — saw him as its own. He also composed for many Bengali films, including Jibon Trishna and Jonakir Aalo. Across the border in Bangladesh, he was equally feted for his Joy joy nobojato Bangladesh (triumphal salutations to newly born Bangladesh) — a song that celebrated the country’s liberation.

“Bengal and Calcutta made him a world citizen,” says Lajmi. He loved the “artistic fervour” of Bengal, she adds, as much as he loved its other flavours.

A gourmet, he was particularly fond of begun bhaja and kasha mangsho, she says as we sit down to lunch — over dal, crispy eggplant fritters and mustard fish. “He also loved cooking Bengali dishes, especially shorshe chingri bhape (steamed prawns in mustard),” she says, licking the spicy mustard paste off her fingers. “He was a Bengali — both artistically and intrinsically. In fact, he was hyperactive like most Bengalis,” she laughs.

He was a passionate lover too, says Lajmi, who fondly called him Bhupso — a name she coined to rhyme with their pet dog Lapso in their Calcutta home. Reading, watching television and creating songs — this is how the two spent their evenings together.

Hazarika, she adds, loved wine and women. “I knew he had his flings. But those women were romancing a celebrity. I knew he was committed to me,” she says.

And she was so committed to him that his career came well before hers. “I made only six feature films in these many years because for me his work was the priority,” says the director whose acclaimed women-centric films include RudaaliDaman and Darmiyaan.

In 1996, they moved to Lajmi’s apartment in Lokhandwala in Mumbai. Mumbai was as much a home for Hazarika as the other cities. He composed several songs for Bollywood — including Dil hum hum kare for Rudaali. Recently, Hazarika sang M.K. Gandhi’s favourite bhajan Vaishnava jana to in the film Gandhi To Hitler.

“After 2006, I found no time for my own work because of his prolonged illness,” she says.

But despite being his committed companion, Lajmi has often been under attack. Two years ago, she was mired in a controversy after images of the ailing singer being carried in a chair to the banks of the river Brahmaputra for a commercial shoot were splashed by the media. She was accused of pushing him to work despite his frail health. “Strangely, these are the same people who are now coming to express their condolences. I suppose this is an act of penance for them,” she says.

Lajmi was also accused of pushing him towards the Bharatiya Janata Party when Hazarika fought and lost an election as a BJP candidate in the 2004 Lok Sabha election from Guwahati. “Actually, I tried to dissuade him — but he was determined as he wanted to do something fruitful in politics,” she now replies. “But the people of Assam did not like it and they thought he betrayed the Left since he had long been associated with the IPTA,” she says.

Hazarika, who had been an independent legislator in Assam from 1967 to 1972, felt he had been rejected by the people when he lost heavily in 2004. At the same time, she says, some family members sued him, accusing him of usurping family property. “He suffered his first heart attack in 2006. Three years later, he underwent a bypass surgery. Slowly, he went into depression,” she says as her voice trails off.

The fear of death started to stalk him. “He often asked me if he would be remembered after his death. Ay bedona loye Bhupen da ghusi gol (Bhupen da left with a lot of pain),” she says in her accented Assamese.

But Lajmi stresses that his music and memories will be with her forever — even though he has moved on. “He was not someone who could be held back at one place, she says, recalling his song Moi eti jajabor (I am a nomad). He is still here, there and everywhere.

(Interview published in The Telegraph on 27 November 2011: https://www.telegraphindia.com/7-days/he-was-horrified-by-the-idea-of-marriage/cid/479227)

For the first time, there was no hurry to reach AIIMS today. For the first time, I reached dot on time, at 11 am. Or I would say, the second time.The first time when we got Baba to this senior cardiologist on January 1, 2014, we reached dot on time.

In all these years, his cardiologist had been extremely patient with me, answering all my weird questions starting with “what if.” In my earlier days, I used to go with long questionnaire and he would answer them, one by one. He never disappointed us. It was he who taught us, don’t be worried as long as you are doing things in good faith. Perhaps, it was Baba and his cardiologist who were never worried about Baba’s health post stroke. Baba would always give a wide smile whenever he visited him. In fact, he gave that smile to all his doctors, sometimes, I think, the doctors would have thought, if all’s well with the patient, why the hell was this hyper-active daughter worried unnecessarily!

Anyway, as I said, today there was no hurry and there was no worry either. I went to give away Baba’s pacemaker (CRT-D) to his cardiologist so that he could donate it to someone needy. I would say, it’s been eight months since Baba left but it took me near about five months to inform him that he is not there. And it was only earlier this week we could talk and I expressed our family’s desire to give away the pacemaker.

Yesterday, for the first time, I looked at the tiny oval thing. I felt it was a part of Baba which I was giving away. This pacemaker did give him a new lease of life, it reduced the chance of another stroke as it could control the irregular heartbeat. If Baba ever fell down, the first thing we checked was if the pacemaker was running okay, but every time, we saw Baba protecting it with his hand.

Today, when I was giving it away, I feel indebted to it for being there even when I couldn’t be there. It didn’t fail him even when his organs started failing, one by one. His heart was running perfect, we were told, on that night.

As I was meeting his specialist, I broke down. I broke down because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that today, I have nothing to discuss about Baba’s health with his doc, no reports to show, no advice to take, no consultation on which medicine should stop and no informing him about my father’s next visit to Delhi so that I can bring him for a check-up. I broke down as I was feeling guilty that there were days when I got irritated because I had to go to AIIMS, had to wait there for hours, eventually got late for work. It wasn’t easy sometimes. But today, there was nothing to do. Today, even the wait wasn’t long. Today, when I was walking down to the OPD from the parking area, I recalled the last time I visited AIIMS in May, with Baba. Even that day, I got a bit hassled because it took more than three hours with his check-up and tests etc.

Today, there was no hurry, there was no delay. But there was a void, there was an emptiness. No doctor, no medicine can fill it.

[Not disclosing the name of the doctor because I didn’t ask for his permission].

 

The pungent smell of herbal medicines hangs heavily in the air. Packets of adult diapers lie on the floor. A tall frail man sits on a bed, holding a book in his hands. He smiles with evident pleasure at the cover and fumbles with his glasses. An aide comes forward and places his spectacles firmly on his nose. Now he can see better — and his smile broadens as he looks at his photograph on the cover of the book.

It’s his own biography — written by Kannada writer J.B. Moras — that brings a smile to George Fernandes’s face. The politician, suffering from Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s, has lost most of his memory. But he knows who he is.

“He is absolutely child-like now — but it seems that he still remembers himself as George Fernandes,” says Jayati Leila Kabir, the former defence minister’s separated wife who is now back in his life after 25 years.

It’s a reunion that has kicked up a furore. Fernandes’s brothers have accused Kabir of not allowing him to meet them. The 79-year-old MP’s long-time companion, politician Jaya Jaitley, too has been barred from interacting with him. But that doesn’t bother Kabir, who has taken her husband to healer Ramdev’s ashram near Hardwar for treatment. “I don’t care if someone dislikes the idea of my being with him. At this juncture, my only concern is his health,” says Leila Kabir, 73.

Some believe that at the crux of the feud over Fernandes is his property worth over Rs 26 crore. Jaitley’s camp says that his thumb impressions were forcibly affixed to documents by Leila and George’s son, Sushanto Kabir Fernandes, or Sean, as he is known. “We took the thumb impression because we want his money to be spent on his treatment,” Kabir retorts. And she, in turn, is scathing about the Fernandes brothers’ attempts to turn his property into a memorial trust. “It’s as if they are talking of him posthumously,” she says.

“For the past 25 years, I never interfered in his life, nor did I ever have any complaint against him. But now, when I know that he is suffering and there is no one to take care of him, I am here to be with him,” she says.

Kabir learnt about George’s illness in 2007 from Sean who’d just met his father in Canada. She called on him after that, and they met on a few occasions. “Despite his bad health, he came to my house in Panchsheel Park to wish me on my birthday in 2008,” says Kabir, who runs a school for underprivileged children in Delhi.

The estranged wife — out of the news for long years — made her presence felt in the run-up to the 2009 election when she made a public statement, urging that Fernandes be “protected” from the “coterie” that was pushing him to stand for elections. He had been persuaded to fight as an independent candidate from his old Muzaffarpur constituency in Bihar after he was denied a ticket by the party that he helped found, the Janata Dal (United), on health grounds. Not surprisingly, he lost the seat.

“It was a sin to push him to elections,” says Kabir, who was once awed by the charisma of “giant killer” George — an appellate that he earned when he defeated Congress heavyweight S.K. Patil to make his parliamentary debut from Mumbai in 1967.

When the once firebrand socialist — one of the mainstays of the Bharatiya Janata Party-led National Democratic Alliance — was given a Rajya Sabha seat last year by his party, he was already too ill to function as a parliamentarian. Kabir went with him to the oath-taking ceremony. “I had never attended any of these ceremonies earlier, but this time I wanted to be by his side,” says Kabir, who has spent only 13 years of her married life with her husband.

The two got married on July 22, 1971, barely three months after their first conversation on a flight back to Delhi from Calcutta. George, then the general secretary of the Samyukta Socialist Party, was returning from what would be Bangladesh while Bengali Leila was on her way back home from the battlefront where she’d gone as an assistant director of the Red Cross. “He recognised me from our earlier meetings at (socialist) Ram Manohar Lohia’s house, and sat next to me. From literature to politics to music — we discussed everything. Before disembarking, he asked me if he could drop me home. A proposal which I politely refused,” says Kabir.

But she couldn’t refuse him for long. “We met frequently. A month later, he proposed marriage. I said: ‘I am a difficult person. Are you sure you want to marry me?’ He promptly replied: ‘Yes’. It was like a whirlwind,” she smiles.

Marrying a politician was not difficult for the daughter of Humayun Kabir who was a minister in Nehru’s cabinet. Her educationist father, she says, greatly influenced her life. “He taught me not to compromise ever.”

It was this that prompted her to walk out of Fernandes’s life in 1984 with Sean, then just one-and-a-half years old. The cracks in the relationship had started showing up much earlier. “We were holidaying in Gopalpur in Orissa when the Emergency was imposed. George immediately left saying he had to fight for democracy. I didn’t hear from him for the next 22 months,” Kabir recalls.

She went away to the United States with her son to stay with her brother. Later, when the Emergency was lifted, Fernandes called them back. But things had already changed by then, she says. “George was a completely different person. He was on the dizzy heights of power and position. I came back to give my son a father but the father never showed up. A lot of things had happened by then.”

Among them, she says, was the growing closeness between Fernandes and Jaitley. But despite the relationship that carried on for 25 years and more, he never divorced Leila. “When I sent the divorce papers to him, he sent me two gold bangles saying that they were his mother’s. I got the message that he wanted to convey,” Kabir says.

Her son, she adds, was “insecure” and “disturbed” about his parents’ break up. “When he saw his father engaged in another relationship, he would ask me if I planned to do the same. When I said no, he felt reassured.”

But it was their son who asked her to take care of his father at the fag end of his life. “My son realised that George had been deprived of good care. So he wanted me to be with him,” she says.

Sean, an investment banker, lives in the US with his Japanese wife and 10-month old son. During his visit to India in December last year, he stayed with his father at the latter’s official residence at Krishna Menon Marg in central Delhi. In January this year, he filed a complaint, asking the police to provide security to his immediate family and instructing the guards not to let anyone enter the house without the immediate family’s authorisation. “My son did what he thought is right,” says the mother.

Kabir stresses that all that she is doing is for the sake of Fernandes too. Now, some 200 kilometres away from the hustle and bustle of Delhi, she spends her days with him — the way she did when they got married. “He enjoyed visiting the Har ki Pauri ghat in Hardwar on Basant Panchami,” says Kabir. “In the evenings, we listen to western classical music.”

But even in these moments of togetherness, the thought of Jaya Jaitley is never too far away. “Knowing well that he must be thinking of her, I told him that Jayaji was in Chennai, which was why she couldn’t come and see him. He nodded and smiled.”

It’s time for Fernandes to go for an evening walk — a part of the treatment prescribed by Ramdev. As Kabir prepares to leave with him, I ask her — “What if he doesn’t remember you one day?”

“I know this is going to happen but I don’t fear that day. All I am happy about is that he gives me a benign smile when he sees me,” she says. And then she walks down the corridor, making a conscious effort to match her steps with those of her ailing husband.

 

Published in The Telegraph, January 31, 2010 : https://www.telegraphindia.com/7-days/i-came-back-to-give-my-son-a-father-but-the-father-never-showed-up/cid/553821

In the past three weeks, a lot of people have asked me, what happened, why are you touring so many countries together? What is this trip all about? Work or holiday? Are you really travelling solo or you have friends with you? Then there are people who have not asked direct questions but have given me enough indications that they really find it strange that I am travelling and having fun in a year when I have suffered a major personal loss, isn’t this supposed to be a year of mourning?

Well, this post is not any clarification but only a way of expressing myself. First, I have been travelling solo for close to 9 years now, locations may not always be exotic but I have realised, traveling solo is a learning experience. Like many trips before, this too has exposed me to some harsh realities of life and I have embraced them.

But it is not that I have been really planning for this trip for the longest time. I have stopped planning things because foreseeing future is not in my to-do list anymore, I have failed in it badly. I thought of Istanbul because I heard a lot about it; going to another neighbouring country was only a “paisa vasool” strategy for this poor scribe, so it was Greece. And Almaty just happened because of some major visa issue.

Why did I travel now — the whole idea was to get confused about time zones on my birthday! I made the plan in a way that I don’t get the real sense of time — whether I am ahead or behind India time — and by how many hours— when is the midnight for me on the 26th — because I knew, for the first time in my life, the person who loved me the most would not wish me on my birthday! I was not sure how would I handle this pain of not being wished by him.

But on the 25th night before going off to bed, when I sat down in silence and closed my eyes, I actually heard Baba’s voice — he did wish me just the way he wished me before— stressing on “r” and “a” while saying, “Happy Birrthdaaay, ” in a certain familiar rhythm. I can hear it even now while writing this.

Running away from realities don’t help. We need to know, people who love us don’t go away. They are with us, always around.

On the 26th, when I came back to my hotel around 9:30 pm after an all-day walking tour, a hotel staffer came to my room with this beautiful cake. He insisted I cut it.

I would remember this pleasant surprise, always. It was very touching!

 

P.C — Staffer at Byzantine Suites, Istanbul.

With no real ground beneath one’s feet, all else loses meaning

 

Images of last week’s mid-air crisis of a Jet Airways flight reminded me of one summer evening when I was flying back to Delhi from Gorakhpur in an ATR carrier (AI 9810) — a small craft running on a twin-engine turboprop. The initial 10 minutes were fairly pleasant. It was late in the evening and there wasn’t much to appreciate in the sky, so I chose to sleep for a while. As I prepared to adjust my head over the tiny tray table, I felt myself flung up for about two seconds. Almost immediately after, I fell back into my seat. Perplexed, I was about to check if my seat belt was still fastened when I was up in the air again. This time, my head touched the ceiling.

By now I could only hear screaming passengers behind me — I was in the second row from the front. My eyes moved around looking for unperturbed faces, I couldn’t find any.

Suddenly, there was an eerie silence. There wasn’t any announcement by the crew preparing us for the worst or trying to calm us down either. I noticed an elderly woman shaking as she struggled to fasten her seat belt. A young girl to my left sat straight, holding the hands of her younger sibling. My gaze turned to the floor beneath and I discovered that my pen, identity card, phone and recorder were all down there.

“My phone, my phone,” I murmured. I didn’t have the strength to unfasten my seatbelt and collect my valuables. My co-passenger, a burly man who looked confident of overcoming the crisis with a Hanuman Chalisa, picked it all up for me.

As I put away my belongings into my handbag hurriedly, I recalled that my mother had warned me not to carry this tote bag without a zipper. It got me wondering for a bit — can mothers foresee things? I could almost hear her saying, “Ei jonyei toh bolechhilam, tora shunish na toh karur kotha… I told you so, but you people never pay heed to anyone.”

For about 10 minutes, there was no up-in-the-air moment but there were sudden drops, jerks, vibrations and swings. Or was I imagining things? As the aircraft kept circling around, the regrets swirled in my head — unnecessary arguments and pending apologies — I suppose, just the way they do in the last moments of one’s life.

From my window seat, I could only see a red light flashing on the wings of the aircraft. Did it mean that the end was near and that the plane would eventually crash? How would I jump off the aircraft at the time of the emergency landing? Why did I never bother to listen to the safety instructions decoded by flight attendants? If the plane crashes, would my colleagues in the media have to cover this accident? Would they be able to locate me in the debris? Would I be able to see my parents ever again? How would my parents cope with this sudden loss? Would this crisis turn out to be a hindrance for my sister who was about to go abroad?

As I was battling these thoughts, all at one go, I felt miserable that my Gorakhpur story was only half done and my deadline, two days later. I kept wondering if my sister would be able to access my mail and send the transcribed interview to my editor. That way I would have met the deadline of my ‘last’ story.

I realised this anxiety was making things worse for me. So I started to meditate, trying to connect with my inner self. After a while, a sense of graceful acceptance of the imminent end had set in. “If this is a closure, let it be, I am prepared,” I told myself. My head was not spinning anymore. I was much calmer inside, as if I suddenly conquered my fear. I looked out of the window again — the flashing red light didn’t bother me at all.

I craned my neck a bit to look down. Far off, beneath us, I could see some lights twinkling. On other days, I would have clicked a few photographs. That day, these things didn’t seem to matter anymore. In the meantime, the airplane’s cabin lights had been dimmed — final moments of descent.

The landing was surprisingly smooth. I assumed this was the happy ending to a traumatic flying experience.

I was wrong. Even now, four months later, the slightest air turbulence reminds me of the horrifying experience. But then, I immediately recall how my father was amused to see me scared and hear my presumably “near-death” experience. He simply laughed it off. Surely he didn’t want me to get affected by one bad experience of flying. I remember he said, “Ei rakom hotei pare, kintu eto bhoy pawar ki achhe?… It can happen, but why should you get so scared?

Innovative ways of getting in and out of relationships

Sonia Sarkar

A few weeks ago, a friend conducted a poll on Twitter. The question: If you had to end a friendship, what would you do – ghost or drift or confront or write a letter? To this, 53 per cent said they would like to drift, 20 per cent went with the letter option, 11 per cent chose to confront and 16 per cent said they would prefer to ghost. Ghosting, according to the en.oxforddictionaries.com, is the practice of ending a personal relationship by suddenly and without explanation ceasing all communication. Usage. “I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings.”

Having been ghosted at least once, I could not agree more with the above sentence. But ask the person who ghosts and he or she would say it’s the easiest thing to do. Stop taking calls, stop replying to text messages, mail, stop explaining what went wrong, no hints, just cut yourself off. Easy.

Ghosting is a 21st century dating phenomenon. Since a fair many relationships these days are born off dating apps such as Tinder, happn, OkCupid, where you select soulmates with a left swipe or right, a lot of time is spent knowing each other just virtually. So when things lose their zing, it’s easier to ghost by “blocking” the person.

But if you are nodding and thinking this is a college-goer or a 20-something problem, you couldn’t be more wrong. You could be ghosted by a man in his 30s or 40s – we’ll come to the women in due course. Someone whose profile descriptor reads “progressive and liberal”. He could be a professor who loves to discuss Marxism over a glass of Old Monk or an engineer who is a self-proclaimed poet or a documentary filmmaker who looks genuinely concerned about the rise of young Right-wingers in the country. Then, just when you start to get along, one fine day, he disappears. And you are left wondering why such a “progressive and liberal” man hesitated to tell you that it’s not happening and he would like to move on. After all, you do deserve to know where you went wrong. What’s more, you might also like to hold on to that tiny little skein of hope that he might come back.

A friend who is aware of the trend has a theory. She says even liberal men get intimidated by career-minded independent women and find it difficult to handle them. They know such women will ask for a reason for the break-up and they do not have a convincing reason to offer. Does that mean women don’t ghost at all? No, they do too. The friend reasons, “Sometimes women think informing the other about the decision might force them to stick around longer and get stuck in this unnecessary but unavoidable rigmarole of accusations, counter accusations and sorting out. That is why they choose to disappear.”

Ghosting isn’t an Indian phenomenon either. In 2012, the Journal of Research in Personality, an academic journal focussing on personality psychology and published by Dutch publishing house Elsevier, listed “avoiding/withdrawing from contact with your partner – like not answering texts or calls” as one of the top break-up strategies the world over. Internationally, psychologists say, these days, everyone wants ways for “easy in” and “easy out”. You are most likely to be ghosted the moment you dare to ask, “Where is this going?”

Of course, if you have been there and done this long enough, you will be able to tell a ghost early on – guys who are effusive in private but refuse to even hold hands in public or someone who never makes definite plans to get together.

And it’s not a way to exit “casual flings” alone. Many choose to end steady relationships by ghosting. A friend was ghosted by an ambitious professional she dated for barely three months. The man, however, reconnected with her on several occasions thereafter for work. He follows her on Twitter. Over the past few years, he has sought her help for business contacts, inputs, information on a fellowship she cracked, etc. But not a word on why he disappeared and never replied to her personal messages.

Was he a coward to have avoided a confrontation or smart to keep the professional equation intact, or simply shameless to even ask for help from a person he dumped without any explanation?

So is this breadcrumbing?  if you go by this blog (https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/difference-ghosting-breadcrumbing/2002092), “breadcrumbing is essentially exactly what it sounds like: Leaving little tiny fictitious crumbs for another person to latch on to, leading them on even when you’re basically over it.” The writer further adds, ” Unlike ghosting, breadcrumbing doesn’t end all communication. Instead, breadcrumbing is the deceptive practice of giving someone just enough to keep them interested, even when you’re not. Breadcrumbing keeps someone around at your liking, taking the form of a half-hearted Instagram “like” once every two weeks, or even a text once every few months.”

Perhaps, these men who ghost or breadcrump won’t know these terms but they should certainly know that what they do amounts to emotional abuse.
But then, chin up girls…I am sure, by now, you know whom to avoid on dating sites — The phone is aflutter with new notifications and to swipe is but reflex action. Cheers!
( A version of the story appeared in The Telegraph, India. This article is an edited version after being published in The Telegraph)

THE FINGERTIPS of the cobbler have turned yellow and pale. He must has been mending and polishing shoes for years, I assume. For me, the smell of polish and glue in his colourful boxes – black, brown and chocolate – brings a sense of identity and a sense of a home; a home which is not there anymore.

Standing on platform No. 1 of Dhanbad station, suddenly, this smell sparks a flurry of childhood memories – memories of several train journeys from Dhanbad to Calcutta, along with my parents and sister.

Black Diamond Express is usually on time. Even today, it leaves Dhanbad station at 4.25pm, as scheduled. As its wheels and piston gyrate over the rugged tracks, my mind begins to ooze nostalgia.

I recall how these five-hour-long train journeys led to endless conversations with my father about many things: the class-divide in our society, the need for civil resistance in a democracy, the roots of the Naxalbari movement in Bengal, many more such and similar things.

When we (my sister and I) were much younger, travelling with him would mean brushing up on general knowledge. Every time the train stopped at a station – Asansol, Andal, Durgapur – there was something new to learn about the place or its neighbourhood.

As a child I felt a certain sense of joy when the train arrived at Durgapur. Suddenly the black, dusty roads disappeared, an indication that we were leaving the coal belt and nearing Calcutta. I loved the fact that the next few days would be different – free of coal dust, potholes and incessant power cuts. We couldn’t imagine our life in Dhanbad without any of these evils though. Over a period of time, we even stopped complaining. In fact, we learnt to laugh at our own miseries like many others who lived in what was still Bihar.

One may remember how the former chief minister of Bihar, Lalu Prasad, coined a metaphor for bad roads that later entered the lexicon of political hyperbole. He said, “Bihar ke sadkon ko Hema Malini ke gaal ke tarah chikna bana denge (We will make Bihar’s roads as smooth as Hema Malini’s cheeks).”

Needless to mention, that never happened. Taking potshots at him, there was another joke that did the rounds. ” Sadke Hema Malini ke gaal ke tarah toh bani nahin, Om Puri ke gaal ke tarah ban gayi (The roads never became like Hema Malini’s cheeks but they certainly remind us of Om Puri’s cheeks.)” No offence to the late actor though!

Neither my parents nor I live in Dhanbad anymore but I must admit that the thought of potholes and coal dust makes me nostalgic today.

There is something else that is making me nostalgic now. It’s the smell of the scrumptious singara (samosa) served to a burly co-passenger by a vendor at Burdwan station. The man also asks a teaseller to pour him some tea. “Beshi chini nei toh (Hope there isn’t too much sugar in it),” he asks. The teaseller replies, ” Roj sokale morning walk korun (Go for morning walks every day)!” The man is at a loss of words. He probably never expected repartee like this.

While travelling alone, overhearing conversations of others makes a train journey interesting for sure.

If you are lucky, you may get to hear some interesting monologues too. Say for this one by a man trying to sell “air-conditioned” socks. He says, ” Apni hoyto bhabchhen ami bhaat bokchhi, kintu motei na… shei Black Diamond jakhon double decker chhilo, takhon theke ami jinish bikri korchhi (You may think I am talking gibberish but that’s not the case. I have a reputation of selling things on this train for many years, since when it had double decker coaches).”

Now the mention of double decker coaches reminds me of another eventful journey when I had lost my way to my seat. But of that, another day!

For now, it’s time to get off at Howrah with a fresh sense of longing for Dhanbad.

July 9, 2017. The Telegraph. https://www.telegraphindia.com/1170709/jsp/7days/story_160882.jsp

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A marriage bureau in Gujarat is facilitating gay marriages. What does this trend say about the future lives of homosexuals in India? Sonia Sarkar reports

  •  PIC: THINKSTOCK

  • AN EQUAL MUSIC: (Top)The Ahmedabad bureau has gay prince Manvendra Singh Gohil (below) as a counsellor

After years of dilly-dallying, Vishal, a marketing manager with a pharmaceutical company, decided to get married. The news far from pleased his parents. First, they threw a fit, then dragged him to a tantric. Next, his father brought home a female prostitute – for him.

“All this because I said I wanted to get married to a man,” says Vishal, who is from Mumbai but is currently settled in Ahmedabad.

When he couldn’t convince his parents, Vishal approached Arranged Gay Marriage (AGM), India’s first gay marriage bureau. A couple of interactions later the matchmakers there managed to get through to his parents. “They saw several videos on gay relationships on the Internet; they read about gay marriage on various websites; they sat through several counselling sessions to know how gay relationships work,” says Vishal. Once they were convinced, they started looking for a partner for him.

The search ended with Kartikey, a professor in a Mumbai college. “We are getting married in December,” says Vishal. Maitree Basu, who works for an IT firm in Bangalore, also met her partner Tanushree through the bureau. The two tied the knot last year.

Like Vishal and Maitree, over 23 other homosexuals – gays and lesbians – have found their partners through this Ahmedabad-based marriage bureau since it was founded a little over a year ago. To date, the bureau has facilitated four such marriages in India and 20 abroad. And its Facebook page is perennially flooded with queries.

Unlike Australia, Belgium, Norway, Spain, Canada, South Africa, the Netherlands and some states in the US, gay marriage is not legally recognised in India. In fact, Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code prohibits it.

But legalities don’t seem to deter Urvi Shah, the 23-year-old owner of the bureau. “Gays and lesbians also have the right to live a normal life just as any heterosexual,” she says. “Everyone needs a life partner. Moreover, marriage reflects traditional Indian values.” Having said that, she is well aware that in India “coming out” is no easy task, forget deciding to get married. She feels strongly about the social exclusion and psychological distress homosexuals are subjected to and through the bureau offers counselling support to those who want to come out of the closet.

For homosexuals opting or wanting to get married, the idea is to publicly claim their societal space as a married person just as any married heterosexual person. Only last month, Manjit Kaur, a 30-year-old Punjab Police woman sub-inspector married another woman at Pucca Baugh, in Jalandhar, complete with Hindu rituals. Mumbai-based Gaurav Salve, a chartered accountant, married Jake, an American, last year. He says, “I am a religious person and I wanted to get married. For a man in India, getting married to a man was impossible.”

Manvendra Singh Gohil, the celebrity gay prince of Rajpipla in Gujarat, often counsels the clients of AGM. He asks, “When heterosexuals have the liberty to marry, why should gays be deprived of the same right?”

No reason, except that among other things it isn’t easy for homosexuals to find partners keen on a long-term relationship and commitment.

“Homosexual men do have a tendency to have multi-partner sex as their stable relationships are not recognised by society,” says gay rights activist Ashok Row Kavi. “Our first baseline survey in Mumbai in 2000 showed that gay men had an average of 11 casual partners in a month. This figure has now come down to four and even this is reducing,” says Ashok who is chairman of the gay rights organisation, Humsafar Trust. He stresses that as society is getting used to same-sex couples, the chances of stable gay relationships are increasing.

In the meantime, however, the going continues to be tough for Urvi who runs the bureau out of Gujarat, the BJP-run state that supports criminalisation of gay sex. She will tell you it is considered “unethical for a Hindu girl to support homosexuals” and she is used to receiving random threats. Recently, an anonymous caller threatened her with acid attack.

On the home front, too, niggling worries abound. Her parents seem to have got past the initial worry about what people will make of such an initiative. But they cannot stop worrying about how it will impact Urvi’s own marital prospects. Perhaps they worry that no one will believe that she is herself of heterosexual orientation.

Urvi, however, is unbudging. Her steadfastness holds out hope to the homosexual community. Gaurav is thinking of adopting a child.

From counselling and facilitating same-sex marriages will AGM diversify into helping homosexual couples raise a family? It well might, once the trend they’ve floated settles in.

 

 

 

https://www.telegraphindia.com/1170604/jsp/7days/story_154978.jsp

Returning to Bangladesh is like going away to find myself home

CROSSINGS

DHAKA IS a bit like Calcutta – noisy, chaotic. I connect the Bangladesh capital with traffic jams and those cage-like green auto-rickshaws that give new meaning to claustrophobia. But this time, as I leave the Hazrat Shahjalal International Airport behind, on my way to Banani in the north of Dhaka, I cut through an eerie silence.

The city is a ghost town. The autos are missing, and there are no crippling gridlocks. A festival is around the corner, but there is little sign of the joyousness that comes with Eid.

Dhaka is observing a two-day national mourning to pay homage to those killed in a terror attack in an upmarket cafeteria. I land there three days after the attack that killed 20 people, most of them foreigners, in Dhaka’s diplomatic zone, Gulshan.

Chaos on the roads is a sign of normal life in Dhaka; calm indicates that not all is well. When I visited Dhaka for the first time in 2011, all was well: the city was loud and messy. I was on my way there from Jessore – and was surprised to see towering buildings, flyovers and glitzy malls in the capital. Jessore, on the other hand, was the archetypal sleepy town.

Jessore is an hour’s drive from Benapole, the Bangladesh border town which is commonly used as a crossover between Dhaka and Calcutta. I was there to chase a story on child carriers who illegally ferried sugar, urea, bicycles, cough syrups and even country-made pistols to Bangladesh from India.

Unlike Dhaka, there was no “rush hour” in Jessore. There were no newly-paved footpaths or highrises either. There was a time when Jessore had the biggest cinema hall of Bangladesh. But Monihar had been overtaken by multiplexes elsewhere. Jessore, however, now boasts of a technology park, multi-cuisine restaurants and malls.

It is also a treasure trove of heritage. The Jessore Institute Public Library, established in 1851, is Bangladesh’s oldest and largest library, with a huge collection of books, manuscripts, journals and newspapers. And you can’t go to Jessore and not see the massive sculpture called Bijoy, at the Michael Madhusudan Memorial College campus, dedicated to the martyrs of the Bangladesh War of Liberation of 1971.

Going to Jessore was like going home – albeit a home I had never visited. Jessore is the place my ancestors came from. For years, I held up the flag of “Opaar Bangla” and participated in various Bangal vs Ghoti debates, where I left no stone unturned to make the former look superior in every respect (knowledge, food, hospitality and much more) to the latter. So when I reached Jessore, it was like a dream come true – I was in the place that I belonged to. Like a true Bangal, I told myself, ” Aah, amago dash.”

My paternal grandfather, Adhir Kumar Sarkar, a timber merchant, lived in a sprawling two-storey house with long white columns, overlooking a thakur dalan (where the deity was kept for daily worship), in the erstwhile Khashial village in Jessore. Several acres of rice fields surrounded the house, we were told. Middle-aged Nakuruddin Mia used to look after the fields when grandfather shifted his base partially to Calcutta in the late 30s. Even though he visited Khashial at regular intervals, the visits during the Durga Puja were special for the family: gatherings, lunch, new clothes, entertainment, celebrations.

My efforts to locate Khashial were in vain. The village doesn’t exist anymore, I was told. But I traced my roots partially to the ancestral house of the Bengali poet and father of the Bengali sonnet, Michael Madhusudan Dutt. At his house-turned-museum in Sagordari, I came across a signboard of the Jessore and Khulna Co-operative Bank, which had an office in the complex. My grandfather was a member of the board. I felt like an achiever to have partially traced the past.

The spiral staircases of the house took me to the room on the first floor, whose walls were plastered with photographs of Dutt, his poems and even some of his answer scripts. At the entrance of his house was his epitaph, a verse of his own. A few days before his death on June 29, 1873, Dutt gave the verse to Debaki, who, some historians say, was romantically interested in him. It read:

“…On the bosom of the earth,

Enjoys the sweet eternal sleep

Poet Madhusudan of the Duttas.”

These words rang in my ears for days.

As I touch the soil of Bangladesh once again this June, I wonder how life would have been if my grandfather had chosen to stay back, like many other Bengali Hindu families. But the thought doesn’t stay with me for long as I quickly recall the words of a Hindu friend from Dhaka: ” Din kaal bhalo na, bujhla. Amra khub bhoye thaktesi” – these are not good times, we live in fear.

Indeed, attacks on Hindus – bloggers, priests and activists – by Islamic radicals are rampant in Bangladesh these days. The social fabric of Bangladesh is changing. Young men from elite families are joining terror outfits. The other sign of radicalisation is the use of veils by women. Hijab or burqa is not mandatory in Bangladesh, yet more and more women are wearing one these days. An old timer of Dhaka tells me, “Even some years ago, if a woman from the relatively conservative part of old Dhaka stepped out of her house in a burqa, the local urchins would tease her with the words ‘Burqe wali bua, tere burqe mein chuha’ (There is a mouse in your burqa, aunt).”

But I decide that for my grandfather’s sake, I will always celebrate Bangladesh. I leave for India after a special Eid meal at my friend’s place. The taste of the shorshe ilish – mustard hilsa – and maachch chorchori – a mix of various kinds of fish – stays with me long after I return home.


 

 

The fear of unnecessary cuts and the desire to have a natural and private delivery are prompting women to have their babies at home. Not surprisingly, this has led to a demand for trained midwives, says Sonia Sarkar
Three years ago, when 30-year-old Bincy Shibu Thomas of Cochin went into labour at 2am, she was not rushed to the hospital. Instead, she called a midwife home. The midwife delivered her second child, a baby girl, in the comfort of her own bedroom, with her husband and two-year-old daughter by her side.

“It was a happy and intimate experience,” says Thomas, a homemaker married to a software engineer. “It was so smooth that none in my building got to know that a child was born in my house,” she adds. Thomas opted for a midwifery-assisted birth again for her third child last year.

Kundo Yumnam, a 32-year-old Imphal-based entrepreneur, gave birth to a baby boy last December at home. “Lots of people had been scared of what was going on in the bedroom, not realising it was how birth happens naturally. Some still think I was crazy to have had my home birth without medical interventions, while others have changed their opinion and said that it was brave of me,” she says.

More and more women from middle- and upper-middle class families across India are reaching out to midwives because they say they want the process of childbirth to be natural and safe, and only midwives can ensure that.

“In a month, at least 10 women ask about midwifery-assisted home birth. Four years ago, there were just one or two inquiries,” says Manjari Kawde, a Mumbai-based gynaecologist and obstetrician who runs Beams Hospital.

Independent studies on childbirth second this. In her paper, Childbirth Narratives: Voices of Educated Urban Women, Subarna Ghosh, a researcher with Mumbai’s SNDT Women’s University, says five out of the nine women she interviewed for her paper had a midwifery-assisted birth. “Affluent women are engaging midwives who are trained abroad or have come from the West. They keep doctors only as a back-up option,” Ghosh says.
Kanika Aswani with her husband and child
The demand for midwives is also linked to the fact that hospital births are seen as impersonal. “Midwives do their work with love and care. Women need that most when they are birthing,” says Hyderabad-based practising midwife Vijaya Krishnan, a graduate of New Mexico’s National College of Midwifery. Krishnan’s role typically starts around the 12th week of a pregnancy and continues for six weeks after the birth. Charges vary between Rs 45,000 and Rs 1.5 lakh, depending on the city.

Many women prefer having their babies at home because hospitals are too public. “In the hospital everyone is watching me writhe in pain. At home, it was my own space. I felt safe, comfortable, not agonised,” says Mumbai-based reiki healer Kanika Aswani, who gave birth to a baby girl two years ago.

Couples also appreciate the fact that husbands have a more active role to play in midwifery-assisted births. “They massage and encourage their wives. They are aware of all their choices, pros and cons of any intervention, and can make effective decisions without getting into a flap,” says Thomas’s midwife Priyanka Idicula, a certified midwife and director of Birthvillage Natural Birthing Center, Cochin.

But in a country where babies were once mostly delivered by midwives, only a handful of them are trained and registered. The World Health Organization (WHO) states that the density of nurses and midwives in India is 17 per 10,000 population, which is low compared to Finland’s 108 and Britain’s 88. The midwives available in large numbers are either traditional birth attendants (such as a dai) or those who have completed a two-year auxillary nurse and midwifery programme. They, however, are not equipped to play an active role in birthing and merely assist doctors.

Childbirth with the help of midwives has been popular among poorer people, but of late the government has been promoting institutional deliveries among them to check maternal mortality rates.

The ones in demand are those who have received advanced training. “Only some of us, who are adequately trained in midwifery, can handle cases holistically like our counterparts in countries such as Britain, New Zealand and the Netherlands which promote midwifery-assisted home birth,” says Lina Duncan, who runs Mumbai Midwife, a private midwifery practice.

These trained midwives, equipped to deal with issues such as vaginal bleeding, irregular movements of the baby, emotional disturbances and mental trauma of the mother during pregnancy, can administer emergency medication during birthing. They also provide check-ups, nutrition counselling and baby-care training later. Some provide services at home and a few run their own centres. There are also foreign nationals, trained as midwives, who deliver the services and often tie up with obstetricians, who support home births.

Another oft-quoted advantage of midwifery-assisted home birth is that midwives are on call 24×7, unlike doctors. Medically too, the benefits of midwifery assisted home birth are plenty. “Post-natal depression is lower among women who opt for home birth. Risk of infection among babies is lower too,” says Ruth Malik, founder of Birth India, a Mumbai-based NGO to promote safe childbirth practices.

 

Experts also feel that the new midwifery assisted birth options have empowered women to take a decision of their own, in child birth. “Traditionally, in India, even if the woman is educated, everyone else would decide for her, when she is pregnant. At least, home birth options are giving them a ‘better’ or ‘braver’ choice of child birth leading to their empowerment and satisfaction,” Ghosh adds.

 

One reason why pregnant women are opting for midwives is the increase in Caesarean (C-section) deliveries. Often, hard pressed doctors find it easier to deliver a C-section baby than wait for a natural birth to occur. Delhi-based Divya Deswal, who runs Birth Bonds, an NGO that provides childbirth support, believes that doctors also instil a sense of fear among expectant mothers.

“In most cases, mothers have been told there are problems with normal delivery, so they are forced to go for a Caesarean or an induced birth,” says Deswal, a doula and hypnobirth practitioner. Doula is the term for a birth companion and post-birth supporter, while hypnobirthing is a childbirth process that uses a combination of techniques – breathing methods, positive thoughts/language, deep relaxation and visualisation – to remove fear. A lot of women also opt for midwifery-assisted birth for their second child, because they want to forget their previous traumatic experience.

Thomas recalls how the doctor induced labour during her first pregnancy. She had to lie down for 12 hours before her child was born. “Before the delivery, an episiotomy (surgical cut at the opening of the vagina) was made. It was painful and the doctor never took our permission,” she says.

According to WHO guidelines, only 10-15 per cent of births in India require surgical intervention. Another WHO study that reviewed 1,10,000 births from nine countries in Asia, including India, in 2010 revealed that in hospitals where Caesarean births took place, more than 60 per cent was done for financial gains and not because surgery was required.

“Women being led to agree to Caesarean surgery on the basis of false information, like C-section is safer than vaginal birth or telling them their baby might die without the surgery when the baby is absolutely fine, is a violation of the human right to autonomy,” says Hermine Hayes-Klein, executive director, Hague-based Human Rights in Childbirth, an international NGO.

Gynaecologists, however, are not convinced that midwifery-assisted home birth is a feasible option in India. Renu Misra, a senior consultant at the Delhi-based Sitaram Bhartia Institute of Science & Research, says such births are feasible in countries which have a community health service integrated with higher centres. “There, a woman can be transported to a hospital in no time if she develops a complication,” she says.

But women like Thomas are happy with their midwives. For them, the transition to motherhood is less scary and painful.

 

a shorter version of the story appeared in The Telegraph on June 26,2016.

http://www.telegraphindia.com/1160626/jsp/7days/story_93267.jsp

 

Prakton made me realise a few things related to a man-woman relationship. A movie, which didn’t really capture the correct image of an independent woman but rightly portrayed a “modern” man, gave us a few lessons of life.

Here is my takeaway.

A man could be very progressive professionally but he could be absolutely traditional in his personal space. A man, could get attracted to you because you are independent and forthright but he would still like to be domineering. He would be proud of your “achievements” ( it’s a disputed word though) but he would be uncomfortable if you are praised a little too often for your “achievements.”

So never try to adjust with a wrong person. Understand the early signals and move on. It will hurt you a lot, sometimes, for next few years (if you are extremely sensitive person and slow to changes) but you will torture yourself more if you linger on.

After many years, he might tell you that you still occupy a part of his mind but he would not like to be with you for all the qualities that you have.

He would choose to be with a “not-so complicated” woman because this gives him more peace. There is no questioning. There are no arguments. Since his word is the last word, there is absolute peace.

But this movie also tells you to respect the fact that some women, amongst us, believe in sacrificing and compromising because that’s where they find happiness. Don’t look down upon them because their larger goal is also to be at peace. You may not approve of their ways of seeking peace.

A movie, sometimes, helps one understand the complexities of life.

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    • Seeker and her search: Hi, thanks for liking it. I couldn’t open the link you sent. Thanks
    • desilvasachitha: Incredible post Sonia, I am so glad that I stumbled upon your blog. Simply stunning sceneries, instantly put a spell on me with breathtaking beauty o
    • Seeker and her search: Hi Ali Mirzad, Thanks for your note. But I am sorry, I cannot give you the permission to use any photo published for this piece. Kindly don't use it.